It's been a month since I came back home.

I am going to write honestly what I am now feeling and thinking.

I still do feel strange being around here, which still makes me think that it's not going to be easy for me to get back to what I used to be.

As I once have asked myself before, the hardest question "Do I have to be what I used to be here in Japan before?" is still on my mind.

I think I am just rushing myself because it seems like what others want from me--to be what I was.

Although it's been a month, I still have not gotten back what I had. I still cannot speak Japanese right.

I thought I was Japanese, but now I sometimes think maybe I am from another planet or something.

The hardest thing to do in Japan is to build an unbreakable community or a relationship with someone else.

I know what giri and ninjyo mean. That's what I studied in my Japanese Cinema class for four months.

I am aware of that I have to be as polite as possible with a mind of Japanese.

This is what I am facing now. I have tried so many times to be what others want me to be since coming back here.

But I just cannot figure out whether or not I have changed in a bad way.

More than that, I get a sense that people are thinking that some stupid influences, which they can amazingly think of, have changed me while I was in the States.

People think that I have forgotten a mind of Japanese and the way Japanese are supposed to be.

Well I tell you all,

I am still struggling to adjust myself into what others want me to do. Probably I sound now like I am making an excuse.

I, however, have changed in two years, helping me see things that I wasn't able to see in other people's minds two years ago.

I unfortunately can see how some Japanese people have been corrupting deep inside their mind.

Their minds are very poor and unhealthy. They appear to be thinking only of what others think of them.

Who cares? I will go my way, and when things get finally better, I will try to see what I had here before.

I am just too busy now.