I don't understand the difference among neglecting, discipline, and acceptance in my parenting.
Neither I know whether I can try to share children's unconsious feelings or I shouldn't.
I do want to share my children's (other people's in general too) feelings to develop a good rapport among them.
But my older daughter hates me listening to them.
She sometimes says when talking with me,
"Please don't read my mind!!"
Since I started teaching English again in summer in 2009, she also tells me not to get friendly or dear to my current and prospective students.
I wonder why she says so.
Both in family and in classes, close relationships can be built as the fruit of mutual understanding.
I was diagnosed that I was an ACoA in June of 2009, so I try to have some time for self-searching to reflect my parenting in the past and ideas for improving my communication skills.
I had believed that children should behave themselves and be motivated at schools.
I myself was taught by my mother that I must do well at schools to lead a happy life with a good salary.
I used to feel that my father encouraged me saying "study hard every day and always behave yourself."
Actually I did my very best to please my parents; frankly, to be praised by my parents.
Of course I studied hard at school, especially English.
I was devoted to it so deeply that I became a junior high English teacher in 1991.
But my hard times came AFTER my graduation.
I got suspicious at my workplace (a public junior high school) of the theory I studied at the university.
The teaching strategies there were quite different from what I was given.
I thought at that time that Japanese English teachers just had to teach students how to get a better score and spend more time disciplining them to be modest.
Gradually, I felt something wrong with my body at first.
I caught colds very often.
I had very little appetite.
I always felt blue, sometimes blank and wanted a time to be completely alone.
I learned later, in 2004, that these symptoms were caused by depression.
Of course I never had fruitful times with students then.
I could barely manage myself.
I was mentally too exhausted to recall why I chose to become a teacher.
In 1993, I resigned from the junior high school for my marrige.
I married my current husband to be celebrated when I left my workplace.
I feared that my boss and colleagues would want me to get out in secret; in fact, I had become a very lazy teacher who did not attend very ofen, but I wished to be celebrated at least on my last day there.
I gave birth to my older daughter in 1994, my son in 1996, and my younger daughter in 1998.
My life as a mother with very little self esteem has been very tough.
At first, I traced my mother's way of parenting.
She also said "everything is all right as long as you follow me", and I followed her.
In the 13th year I had followed her, my older daugher refused to go to school.